1. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER

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What did the one lesbian frog tell the other lesbian frog?

IT TRUE!!! - we do taste like chicken

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One day, a husband surprised his wife by grabbing her butt and saying, “if you firm this up, we can get rid of your gurdle”.
The wife thought this was childish and said nothing.
The next day he woke her up by grabbing her breasts and saying, “if you firm these up we can get rid of your bras”.
That pissed her off, so she reached down, grabbed his penis, and said, “if you firm this up, we can get rid of your brother!”

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A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
“I’m afraid I don’t have a husband,” she replies.
“O.K. do you have a boyfriend?”, asks the Midwife.
“No, no boyfriend either.” “Do you have a partner then?”
“No, I’m unattached, I’ll be having the baby on my own.”
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.”
“Well,” replies the girl. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black.”
“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”
“Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.”
“Well yes,” continues the girl, “I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”
At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.
The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, “Well thank God for that!”
“What do you mean?!” says the midwife, shocked.
“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark.”

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A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband’s best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they’re just laying there, the phone rings.
Since it is the woman’s house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation …
She is speaking in a cheery voice “Hello? Oh, hi. I’m so glad that you called. Really? That’s wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye.”
She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, “Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he’s having with you on his fishing trip.

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12 Days of Christmas - A Cat’s Rendition

On the twelfth day of Christmas my human gave to me:
Twelve bags of catnip!
Eleven tarter Pounce treats,
Ten ornaments hanging,
Nine wads of Kleenex,
Eight peacock feathers,
Seven stolen Q-tips,
Six feathered balls,
Five MILK JUG RINGS!
Four munchy house plants,
Three running faucets,
Two fuzzy mousies,
And a hamste-e-er in a plastic ball!!

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A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike.
Nice bike,” the cop said, “Did Santa bring it to you?” “Yep,” the little girl said, “He sure did!”
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, “Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?” “Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there? The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts.
In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm.
In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions”.
“Onions?”
“Yes, you see them and they make you cry.”
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, “Mum, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?”
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, “Well dear, a man goes through three phases.
In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree”.
“A Christmas tree?”
“Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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The game of choice for unemployed people or maintenance level workers is
basketball.

The game of choice for frontline workers is football.

The game of choice for middle management is tennis.

The game of choice for CEOs and executives is golf.

Conclusion: The higher up on the corporate ladder you are, the smaller your balls are.

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Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that “22″ was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

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